j o s h u a    j e n n i f e r    e s p i n o z a



i hate the poem

throw my body in the garbage

i am the body of the hills



i hate the poem
that i have to write about
the way my body works.

i was a thousand white dots
in the sky over a really
ugly hill.

god told me
where to go and how to be
with the direction she sent
the wind
and the length of time she allowed
the fires to burn.

skin is grown in fields
and names are made
on borders.

there are histories of blood
behind the words.

you taste it in your mouth
and it is like water
from above.

the stars dissociate.

the moon eats itself.

some bodies become books
about themselves.

others form volumes
in the midst of their survival.




throw my body in the garbage

where it belongs. surround it

with 500 cameras circling around

snapping one frame at a time as

flowers push their way through

the skin. i am in heaven watching

this footage with god and she

kisses me where my forehead

would have been. all the clouds

and mountains look fake from here.

airplanes mean everything to me.

i dream of my old body getting

sucked into their engines and

spat back out all pretty. there

must be someplace where this

is actually happening.




i am the body of the hills
that someone pushed a freeway through
        with hands they called their own.

it won't be enough for me to say that i burn with you.

a piece of metal falling from the night sky
glowed blue as it entered us.

the sound of a passing car gave up on the idea
of you existing as anything more

        than an apartment.

the smell of wet grass on soccer cleats
mixed with the vessels inside your eyes

(that you sometimes see when you look up
through streetlights and into the stars)

to form a silence.

i heard gunshots
next to a pair of champagne glasses
sitting in the freezer


JOSHUA JENNIFER ESPINOZA is a trans woman poet living in California. Her work has been published in The Offing, The Feminist Wire, Word Riot, and variously online. Her first book Iím Alive / It Hurts / I Love It was released by Boost House in 2014. More of her work can be found at joshuajenniferespinoza.com and on Twitter @sadqueer4life.

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